I have never really been comfortable in my own skin, always struggling with weight and self esteem… I’ve had a pretty rocky year when it comes to my eating habits- but now the healthy one is here to stay.
I’ve always hated the way I look, but I’m really trying my hardest to overcome that.
In the beginning of my sophmore year I became fixated on concept of calories and so my eating disorder began. At first I was just very interested in being “healthy”; constantly researching nutrition and food that is good for you and the idea of a calorie deficit. So I started a diet of around 1200 a day, because I wanted to lose weight. But I would binge.. And then I would get frustrated so I would lower my calories even more. Eventually I was down to about 300-700 calories a day and I was exercising to burn off another 400 every day. I was obsessed with burning calories. But because I was restricting so much, it would lead to a binge.
My binges made me feel such an intense wave of guilt, it was almost unbearable. I hated myself so much and would grab at my stomach and my thighs and cry for hours. One day I binged and afterwards I made myself throw up, leading me to taking on bulimia.
Purging wasn’t my main issue, I was only doing that 1-2 times a week. What I was mostly doing was restricting calories and overexercising, and then binging. A never ending cycle.
My depression that I already had (but hadn’t been diagnosed for yet) worsened a lot. After binges I began cutting, leaving scars saying “FAT” on my stomach.
My eating disorder fucked me over. It made me so withdrawn. My grades started declining down a steep hill and I stopped eating in public because I was afraid of overeating. I developed terrible anxiety about food and my confidence was flushed down the toilet.
After dealing with the ED for about a year, in December of 2011 I had an evaluation and was then placed in a program for adolescent disordered eating. I was there for exactly 2 months and it taught me how to eat normally, and so much about nutrition that I always knew of but never fully understood. It completely changed my perspective on food and on LIFE in general. It made me a much more optimistic and empathetic person. Since I’ve left I have been much more understanding about the people around me and my analytical skills have gotten much better.
I haven’t cut since before I was in treatment. Nor have I purged.
I feel like a completely different person and I’m so glad I got to go. I still deal with depression and take medication, but I am more willing to make myself better and help those around me whenever they have the slightest issue- I’m there.
Anyways. So that’s my story. I’ve been dealing with this ED for over a year now and it’s pretty tiring. I still want to lose weight, but honestly just because I want to be healthier.
I don’t even want to be “skinny” like I used to be.. In fact, looking at those pictures of emaciated girls now disgusts me, when it used to make me so envious. I want to be toned and fit and healthy. I hate the idea of the numbers, and so because of that I no longer count calories (which I am very proud of!). I also no longer weigh myself, because it usually just causes me anxiety. So because of that I think I’m only going to maybe once a month. I wish that stuff were still true.
I honestly don’t know how much I weigh. And I’d rather not. So instead of just doing weight goals, I’m also going to do exercise/food goals. This makes me a lot more comfortable because I can accept the idea of muscle weighing more than fat and being okay with it!
Okay I’ll stop talking. If you guys have any questions, I’d love to answer :)